"in the shallows"

Hello, stranger.
I figured i'd like to talk about certain things in all honesty, because personally I embrace honesty at its utterly raw form. I recently came back from a mission trip which was truly an emotional cascade because it cornered me to every ends - I had great downfalls yet unforeseen breakthroughs. It was a good time.

I am an individual who embrace the culture and art of individualism as well as distinct personalities, and am capable of talking about them all under the phase of the sun. Here's something I found about myself of recent occurrence; apparently when you ask someone about three of their favourite animals in the order of preference it speaks about their personality so here was mine before I knew the answer:

1. Deer
I like deers because I think they are one of the most graceful creatures on earth - They are very calm and collected, and they are full of serenity and beauty. They are entirely aware of their surroundings but often decides not to react to them, because they'd rather dwell in the moment of ease - unless they sense danger. When there's danger they run from them.
(The first animal you chose represents how you see yourself)


2. Fox
I really like foxes because they are such beautiful creatures that are often misunderstood - Foxes are only remembered about their bad connotations and people fail to see their beauty because of that. I think it's unfair because they are such intelligent creatures that are only sly because of survival instincts to protect themselves. They are quick to respond to their passion and are highly observant of the things around them; but are only known for their bad schemes, but I think they're beautifully empowering creatures filled with wisdom. 
(The second animal represents how others see you)

3. Wolf
They are one of the most independent animals I know, and they are so strong and powerful as an individual - yet not only do they work best individually, they become as powerful in a pack. They are sociable most times, though they need their freedom and space alone. I like how they are guarded when it comes to danger, but they drop whatever pride they hold just to protect the loved ones around them.
(The third animal represents what you really are) 



During this trip, we talked a lot about personality, and there were a couple of things I deciphered about myself that I'd like to talk about, 'cause I hardly get to share my thoughts. I always feel that once I've gathered enough conclusion or have processed thoroughly in my head and in my heart whatever that matters, people would have moved on from the conversation. Often people assume that I'm just aloof when I have no answer straight away, but it's most likely not the case. My thoughts are often an avalanche - my attempt at filtering the pure snow from what's just my creation of imagination, and what my genuine thoughts actually are, takes me effort comparatively and I'm feel I end up being misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like it's quite unfair, but then again, I blame myself for this world in my head - basically I live Adventure Time in real life.

Someone asked me this: "if you could explain your sadness in a metaphor what would it be?" and I said I would be a broken abstract piece of painting

As cheesy as it sounds…..I've always felt that my general vocabulary of my own feelings are so deficient that most days I can't even find the words to express myself. My comprehension of my own thoughts take longer than most people and when i'm often forced to say my thoughts it comes out in exact opposite - and I feel that my thoughts are often so unknown to people, that it gradually becomes so unknown to me. So i told her that I would become an abstract piece of art because if I was alive as a painting and nobody could even understand what I am as a person, what I dream about, what I live for, what could have been?

it drives my emotions to many different places, when people don't know very well start assuming things about it. At the same time.  I ask many questions, I reflect in many areas of my personality, I want all the answers and rationale about what makes one assume about another, what I did that made people feel a certain way, what I said, what I felt, what I thought, what they thought.

I ask myself why people assume wrong of me - is it because I did not let them into my world where everything is too vast for me to put them into words, was it because I did not trust them with my thoughts, was it because my intelligence was nowhere up to their standards that I became merely a fool to them? was it because I was incapable of comprehension, of emotional connection - or could it be that I am actually just a wayfaring stranger, a shallow person who knows nothing of the world, and is not of the world? 


A friend, or many friends -  told me once that I was like a heavy tower with a zero gravity base floatin' around without opinions, caring nothing. 


All that I ever was, was nothing people could see. I had so many opinions, so much thoughts, so much say, so many things I love and protect. But I realised that there wasn't any point fighting doubts with much calculation to people who saw nothing but my flaws, people who saw me as plainly a fox with sly focus of nonchalance, materialism and perfection, beauty and nothing very vital. And of course, my very guarded thoughts. I recently found no reason that propelled me towards fighting for myself because I'd never justify the amount of distorted view they had of me. People remembered me for my mistakes and no longer my heart of renewal.


I realised the only few times I actually stood up for myself was when I found people I treasure turning against me and misunderstanding what I believed in - accusing me of things that went against my trust. Some people think I come across too religious - I always think there's a difference between morality and religion, and I'm honestly not the most religious person and I guess I've been finding myself losing the momentum to stand up for myself even towards people i trust and love, because I slowly find myself depending on that stigma people have engraved into me; because I'd rather avoid any form of resistance and let things be.


I'm wondering if things'd slowly become a part of me, though it's not of me.
I'm learning to embrace misconceptions - I'm learning to embrace the art of losing myself, but not all of myself.

If brokenness is a piece of art, surely would be my masterpiece