"twenty-two"

As I turn a year older in an hour and a half, I'm getting younger by heart, I kinda promise -- and up till today as I am terribly grateful for the people in my life and I discreetly whisper a well wish prayer every single night before I sleep hoping everything is okay for you guys, every year else on my birthday, I celebrate you guys just for your love and your presence, your kindness and your joy - your existence. 

At twenty-three, I ask myself the biggest question I ask myself every year whilst the number gets more and more meaningless, and I've wondered if I'll ever get there - with the things I've lost but still remember. I am just a girl with miscellaneous dreams; I have too things I wish I could become and many things I want to do because being capable fulfils me, and independently learning to do things makes me feel competent enough to trust myself more each time, with anything I have to do. Over the years, I've lost confidence through each mistake I dwelled upon, and my defectiveness and the unrelenting standards I have to myself rise beyond my inevitable means and hesitates me from each time I decide to feel bold one day- and I am learning to fully accept myself for each remembered mistake that I hold myself captive for one and be all punitive in similar encounters; though everyone has already somehow moved on.

Today I sit in front of my wooden desk in thirteen degrees, with nothing but my heart heavy;

seems like my heart gets heavier each year with the people I lose, because I remember the days when the clock turned twelve and each person who meant much to me remembered my existence, and they always came no matter how late it was, and I thanked God everyday because nothing burdened of much. I had no walls, I had no say, I just thanked these people for everyday they were by my side. I was never afraid to show them my true self, and I always entrusted my life to everyone without conditions because I just wanted everyone else to be happy. It seems like each year my heart just gets more and more calloused and I've come to built more walls, and I've come to become more doubtful about people, my thoughts are always subjugated and kept for nobody but myself, and I'm constantly fearful, which is why I've always felt that a deer is my spirit animal, because they are calm and serene when unprovoked - but are constantly aware of their surroundings and they are highly sensitive of danger, always on guard and run when they have to. I've learnt not to trust over the years of broken ones - I've also learnt how easy it is to cut off people off without my heart on my sleeve, which always, never failingly surfaces up in a few months time out of subconsciousness with a bunch of regret, have come to a point this day means nothing for anyone else but me -

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I have also learnt that when you cut people off your life, it can never be the same again.

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I've been on my third month in my new environment now, and I've learnt that pride will someday eat your heart away and leave will with no remnants of to feel. I always dwell on each person I have left hurt in words of weapon in my lifetime, and as much as you could have assumed by now that I would be the most absent-minded living thing on the planet, I always, have the most clear remembrance of people and every person that were once in my life.  I've learnt that with the mistakes I've made, that I sincerely with my whole heart, miss each and everyone of those whom I've cut off my life or have once hurt out of protecting myself - I think about you guys all the time when I am by myself, with many experiences and other accumulated reasons that have conclusively hardened me over the years that I wish I could have the entire of a whole day to share what have changed the days I called myself 'the happiest girl in the whole world', if you guys actually remember my younger days. As much as half the time I wish things could be the same again, the clarity of reality sets deep in my realisation that you can't save what was left to die. I never wish to blame on it or anyone, I have nothing else left to blame but myself, it seems to me that I never learn my lesson but I am learning to accept that these things did not kill me and like they say, will with each day only make me stronger.

It is actually incredible that a few people in my life today still stayed.

I have flaws that every person wishes for their friend or any other form of human being not to have - I pretty much have them all, and I cry every time out of gratitude when I remember the ones who have decided to stay, despite it all. It is crazy how much things have changed over the years, without any means to gloat in any sort of way from someone who had everything in the world for her friends who showered her with the most gifts and kind words of assurance, surprises in school and love, and what every girl wanted on their special day, to having nobody remembering this day if left unmentioned when it used to keep coming in for hours in my adolescences and people questioned what I've ever done in this lifetime to deserve any of all of this at all; why people wanted to remember me so much when I was someone else but not anymore, which has taught me a rough lesson to reveal the reality of my self and the view I have for anything when I've lost all, and I think about these few people who decided to stay by grace, and they became everything I ever hold to me and as much as people think I have everything, I don't have anything now - but I've learnt to fight for the things I love with the things I hold dear with much grief, but acceptance.

I also think about the day the world finally forgets me, and it scares me down to my chilled spined bones, which shows me how much I loved myself to be on such high horse when I had everything, which has now taught me to love when I've lost everything. The people in my life have now become everything to me because they are all that I can hold onto till the day I get to see the man in white who awaits for this reckless savage whom battled to protect but hurt in the process within my maladroit and tactless decisions. I've seen myself through the years -- and who I am hates who I've been. But I have made decisions to use this life of nothing to make of something with hopes that shining some kinda good to dark places which the world might have forgotten as we live in the urban lives of busy schedules that we have no time to even regard, or close our eyes for just a minute to pray for. I've decided to do something with little that I have left to think of these things, and to make a decision to be the salt of the earth hopefully. Not even a drop in the sea anymore, but I keep doing and making, keep trying for happiness, for hope; not to certainly justify the ineptness of my good gracious sake self who can't make a difference in my own life or make any decision that I am proud of myself for, like I've not so far with my personal bias and stone heart with much that I've tried, but what I recognise during the rare times I try not to be too hard on myself, is that my own efforts have brought me thus quite far and nearer towards my ultimate goals and dreams to fulfil people's joy, and I know that giving my whole heart to these people will gradually make a difference to mine, and to the people around with all that I trust, because it has already done something to this heart, like Cambodia did already did to mine.

Happy birthday to everyone of you whom I dearly love whether you're in or out of my life, in the midst of this twenty two years. I hope you are okay as I am, because I am hanging on as much as I know you guys are. Without you guys, my existence is absolutely obsolete. I celebrate each of you today, just like everyday else and for infinite days more. I wish for happiness and love, and absolute safety - and abundant joy and smiles within the fight through this earthly battle and for everyone else of you back at home and though I will be here, intangible, unable to be present for your milestones like I wish I would and could, and for the people out there who heave a sigh in the darkness and whisper to nothingness that the world forgot you, do not go gentle into the unseen, hope will never be silent and silence is something we will always be able to hear - instead I am propelled like always to remind you with this saying that pulled me through these years of agony :


Out of sight but never, out of mind 

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