hannah jang

I am alright.

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I wish to know what people think when they see me - if they actually see right through me, or if people look at me and wonder what I am thinking or they see something I do not. It scares me to think that I do not know something about myself someone else does; I try not to let my mind wonder into the unknown too much because I know how much I am prone to pessimism and unrelenting standards and utter perfectionism, and I have been learning to tell myself that it is okay not to be perfect at things and in fact, I will never be able to.

It's been quite an interesting week after being away three months prevailing my initially plans, it somehow felt like a whole lot longer and a lot of things have changed whilst I was away, there have been sudden appearances of friends actually sitting me down to talk to me if there was anything wrong or if there was anything that was going through my mind because of the fact that I have been away for so long. I was slightly perplexed at this because I do not feel like any thing is wrong at the moment besides the fact that I am not as grounded as I should be, and I have been running to places to find myself and on a sojourn to learn about the world, and in the constant search for gratification and the art of doing things persistently, and it made me question myself if I was actually suppressing anything else that I did not know about.

Personally I do not really know how to phrase this into something that hopefully does not sound too rightfully wrong or perhaps wrongfully right but I have been given a chance to see the real world with this break I finally gave myself this time, after fighting out of the swirling and wallowing in the pool of guilt. I am slightly disheartened at the fact that there has been a few mindless accusations that I have been in the chase of frivolous decisions to travel consecutively and also assumably spending money that isn't mine, in advantage of my personal benefits but I know for myself that I travel for a reason good enough for myself, and have allowed myself to push through all the jet lag and the feeling of being in the limbo; the obscure and the vagueness of the future which are my greatest fear, and push my way out of being a homebird, and only for me to learn to love in the process of floating, with a purpose - albeit hating not having a ground for my feet. As much as I do not find a vehement need to justify myself, I want to clarify that I always try my best in all aspects to work for what I want - to obtain security whether or not it incrementally deteriorates me physically or emotionally or with the fact that it fundamentally becomes a repetitive chore -- I have to admit I tend to often fall into the need to feel capable of doing everything on my own by pushing beyond what I can bear because that is the only way I know I am in consistent control on a daily basis which eases my anxiety of losing grip - I never let myself retrieve something that I do not work for. I am confident to say that I have reaped what I sowed, and that whatever has been used came from one: effort. There've been times I've had it hard - people have been accusing me too much of getting it easy; but these are the good times that I share and all the process that I embrace most, the liberation to my actions are decisions that are something only given to myself when I readily feel like I deserve it.

Which has made me realised that this is my time to explore, my time to know how the world works, and a time to understand what I believe in; and that it is okay. This gap year has been nothing short of amazing with the fact that it has give me all the time I need to finally rest - though I am still guilty, of doing, but now that I am Home and in the familiar, I wish to take this time to dedicate all my time to each of my family loved ones, and that I have been okay. More than my friends who have been more than shocked, I am myself, am surprised to find myself in places in the kind that I have sworn once in my life to never go down to - I found myself a little shaken and overwhelmed at nightclubs, but I have learnt to be aware, despite being quite the awkward turtle, and I am still, alright. From exactly the five times I have visited a Saturday nightclub and killed my body with alcohol which I utmost disdain and have rectified with fruit detox week, fives times I never failed to be shamelessly in Home in the kingdom that exact Sunday morning to sanctify my entire soul for the night and its inner demons inside this bo--  Jokes aside, I have found that it is absolutely okay to just have fun; though perhaps I would have leaned to finding more joy out of playing political board games such as Monopoly deal or Cluedo, I am merely wayfaring towards a journey to open up to the world, by not just seeing the world, but also understanding, and accepting the rave, the good, the terrible, the despicable - and still hang on.

A fun fact or an unfortunate one: I have learnt over the years that I have a morbid, but also a serious case of Megalophobia and it has always been something I found hard to share openly because nobody, not one - have so far ever believed me the first time I said it and naturally it has only been sane for people to react in confusion and judgement. It is going to be interesting, because I have found myself about to go on another mission trip next week to Bangkok known for having statues all over the country and I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am beginning to feel like I might drown and die in irrational fear despite the fact that nothing much shakes me- not even with the fact that my food poisoning lasted a month and a half of my lifetime spent puking my guts out and the death of me, but because I have never seen so many statues in my life after all that travelling that it has accumulatively and also literally crippled me with hallucinations and nightmares and it has stuck to me through the days. I am in a dire need to figure out what exactly became the trigger to this fear from when I was a kid - with much research I have figured it being a psychological trauma from my adolescence, which still unfortunately, remains a mystery to me in incomprehension and perplexity. In whichever case I wish to be able to decipher soon because it has limited my decisions to go to places without abruptly screaming and hiding myself randomly, and also to avoid puzzling anecdotes of panic attacks.

I still want to be back Home wherever I may be, though how far I may go.

I do not know an easier way to say this but I will be leaving for a period of time and as much as I am afraid of the future, I know that this will be the pivot point to my prime time as corny as it sounds. I do not know if anyone else believes in the planetary signs but I am a Libra Sun but also a Cancer Rising Ascendant and I always feel the need to be Home - and I will find a way back, and I know of it and I am sure of that and because of that, I hope that things will still be the same, that I will still be that quirky deer at the corner watching humans doing their thang and wonder the possibilities of everything else in the world and the same quirky one who likes dinosaurs but has a major case of Megalophobia, and is terrified of seeing tangible blood but has caught up the entire series of The Walking Dead without a flinch or a cringe. As much as everyone is weirded out, I find myself more surprised than anyone else at the atrocities of my oddness.

What I really want to say is that I will deeply miss where my heart is.

I cannot really think straight at the moment because I have not slept from all that ZoukOut but it was worth the sacrifice, to really be in the world, but not of the world. All I wanted to say was that the time will come when I will stop moving - and I will retreat a new phase of the moon where it needs its hiding. However I can quite promise that whilst everything around us will make its changes and fluctuations,

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hope, will still stay the same.