hannah jang

I miss having fun with this one 

Been too hard on myself these days but I know I should. I am apprehensive of the littlest of things; specifically people, and I prolly am much too susceptible to words that people say in pleasant digression - it also scares me that I cannot actually find the string of thoughts in my head coherent to my feelings, a remembrance of exactly what they have said months later, a retrogression - which spirals me way back into my subjugation. I wish to write in complete detail how much deep-set anxiety is currently instilled in me whilst this whole new environment has brought me back to retrospect on the people that have once gained all my trust and have betrayed everything we had built for years. Religion has taught me to forgive, time has taught me to trust, but logic still has me asking years later, what I could have done better and which part I have done so much wrong to give someone everything I had left to have it taken away all at once. Reason, I have frustrated and reflected and seeked conscientiously for years. I find it even crazier that I have still not learnt my lesson, that under all that hardshell, I have nothing but vulnerability which I cannot for the love of Christ, evoke the desperateness of my concurrent state even if my life was at stake, or express the years of suppression I have articulately mastered, and all that awful sadness that was supposedly felt years back when I shed not a single tear - that I wish to nullify the effects it has taken on me if I ever could. Or perhaps that all I really need is not even sympathy, since a reason or even rationality is so hard to ask for, but mere understanding, with some sort of closure for they say it just takes one, to know one. But the more effort I put in the more wrong goes - in exchange I have been called the epitome of a fox - to certainly clarify myself, I do like foxes very much if only the notorious connotations nor preconceived notions tied to them were not enforced, with this in-deliberate, unfortunate portrayal. I have wondered how people speak their thoughts right what was in their minds because I've been trying to, and this I find it crazier that people have learnt to articulate their minds to their feelings in significance -- it seems like with every effort my own words make no sense to even myself, and sometimes I surprise myself at the feelings I hold - but emotions I lack of. And for one who cannot prioritize herself, for what more would anyone ever comprehend or even, ever be able to believe this tongue? even I have struggled to - Incompetent, still.

Fret I have been quite honestly am a tad disappointed of how little I have been doing
However, I read a verse that said:  Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, and to not be silent.  
but I am still going down a steep but gradual route with each time my courage deteriorates 
perhaps the solution could be to try and with effort, to love myself better





-- or perhaps in short, 
 to do better.