hannah jang

The other day, my friend and I were just talking about how people feel safest in the own pool of sorrow, and why people actually find comfort in their sorrow.

I hate to admit but I was immediately guilty of that cogitation - And I'm the easiest epitome of this wonder. I think one of the sole reason personally is simple:
 I'd rather reject myself; Before the whole world rejects me.

Until today, the only thing that assures me of Love -- Is from God. I've faced enough rejections to the point I think it's a norm for me, I'm still in the phase of accepting myself. I think everyone goes through their acceptance stances and I don't believe anyone should look down on these people who are still finding themselves - whether they stand way out of social norms or whether they're way too discreet about their life they're withdrawn. I just believe everyone, should have their own time for their phase.

Somehow I always find myself talking to someone about my deepest thoughts whether I trust them or not -- And sometimes it ends me with a weight on my heart as heavy as gravity. It doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worst. It always leaves me with a chest pain, literally, and it's like an emotional ache tied to a physical ache. One thing I'm glad is that well, it shows my feelings exist.

Feelings have always been something I was never good at - every time something bad happens to someone I love most, is when I shut down most. Every time I feel the most afraid, is when I shut down most. Every time I feel most vulnerable to a friend, that's when I push them away most. I honest don't know how this defense mechanism thing works, but one thing I'm sure of is that it's gonna kill me someday.

I never knew it was possible to actually hope so much in just a single person just by his presence, to feel so much joy yet fear at the same time -- Fear of Rejection. When I hope and need so much of this person; yet I become the most nonchalant and aloof person ever. I think I'm a talent at pretending to not feel something, Really. (Other than losing things)

I need so much of this, yet I don't want it, I don't want to feel it at all. I fear the day he walks away, and never look at me again. That will kill half of me.

Maybe that's why I give my whole heart to people who tells me they need me. Because that way I'm not rejected.

But sometimes I'm wrong.
Sometimes, people reject me only after they've received my whole heart in loving them - and attached. That doesn't just kill half of me -- it makes me fall back in my comfort, in loneliness because that's when I think it's way better to be alone , than not being alone.

It's fair to say both are equal terrifying; The only difference in withdrawal is that only you yourself can reject yourself, rather than being torn apart by your loved ones - Whom are the sole purpose of your life. If the sole purposes of your life doesn't exist;

then what makes life anymore?