"Phuket"

UPDATE: Losing a lil' bit of momentum because I just came back from a nice long weekend at Phuket where i did everything adventurous, which has always been my fave thing to do - so to step away from everything that has been happening, just for tad while.

I've been so overwhelmed with emotions lately, because certain things terribly triggered my schema issues and past experiences -- I've been fighting against the thought to lay low and not get involved, and as of now it's solemnly tempting to run back to my old ways when I found comfort in total isolation and self-punishment, where I pushed everyone away, but I honestly do not want to get back down that phase where I threw a pity party everyday. I want to learn love and learn the art of giving.
So here's to fighting through it all over again, the previous time I had it bad but I am hoping I can fight through this well.


Meanwhile, I will be getting my heart ready for the Alaska trip; cause I have just found out three things about myself during the phuket trip:

1. I cannot stay in a group of people for more than two days (I need my time out by midnight) i'll get burnt out and withdraw my emotions
2. I am terribly afraid of being submerged under water and I hate it (I was having an anxiety for a good ten minutes before diving to see the underwater world, which was so beautiful but I was so consumed with fear, the feeling of being helpless frightens me to death)
3. I have always been afraid of statues because of my megalophobia (and the white buddha which I saw approximately 3km away - but still gave me two days of traumatic nightmares)
4. I figured I have quite the morbid imagination because when I was on the plane about to touch down, i was looking at the cities from above, and found myself drifting off into thoughts about what I would do if there was a Godzilla, and then it drifted off to what if there was statue of a buddha as tall as the clouds.
5. I still have bad distrusts towards guys and I still go all measures to make them see the worst in me. 


I'm still learning to surrender - and at the perfectly right time I came across this song, it literally spoke into my face; the lyrics of this song penetrated into my heart like a double-edged sword, it goes like this:

Should say we lay down our weapons, when we talk about love

The only fight should be the war within ourselves to surrender

If we’re all looking for self-justice served to us on a platter

Then we’re all mistaken

if love's a one way street, it points away from us