"What changed in my life"

seoul 2013
taken with Olivius Jones

Recently, I had a conversation with someone I just met.
It started out with talking about our likes and dislikes, the kind of things that shapes us, what frustrates us, what makes us happy; the usual nitty-gritty mundanities in our lives we have to conquer each day and what they were specifically. Our conversation led towards our dreams and ambitions to beliefs - talking to someone about these things have made me realise how long I've fought through different situations to find myself today though it has been much emotional fluctuation. Sometimes I tend to forget my process because I hardly stop and reflect about my pass achievements, neither do much people ask much about it, to the point that in the midst of doing many things I lose myself in advocate of others. Personally I have definitely learnt to stand up for many things in my life, especially when it comes to my own beliefs and values.

I remember the days I struggled because of expectations. 
I have always hated disappointing people, especially the ones I love because I always find it important that the people around me stays happy. Recently, I had to stop doing something I have loved doing for eight years now because of commitments and priorities - which led to accumulated anxiety and physical deterioration; it has been one of the toughest decision I made in life because people hoped for something in me and having to intervene that, literally crushed me. I remember being very punitive towards myself, and for months I listened to the preconceived notions of the people involved and could not forgive myself for the longest time. But I also remember making that decision, because it led me to many other assets in life. I had more time for school,  and having more time helped me forge camaraderie with more people in school, with my family. I had more time for myself; with much contemplation it made me realise how it was never the passion I was so fiery for, but the feeling of self-worth I found doing it because of the achievements, and fitting into a community. However, it did not make sense to me that my self-worth was depended on competitions and achievements, when I could not even find the courage to love myself. Because how could I know the connotations to loving people if I could not even love my own? I figured that the only reason why I could not give my hundred and one percent was because of the fact that I found myself in wrong places.

Taking my time out helped me find myself.  
During my adolescent years, I had to fight through many persecutions. Unfortunately with my perfectly inept in english I consistently got into trouble with teachers whom caned me for every spelling test I failed. With everyone effortlessly passing their english tests I had no choice but to force my face into assessment books and dictionaries. But with all this, I also remember being at my most determined I've ever been. Many people also started coming up to me - to diss my difference. I grew up hating the connotation to being korean because there were nice people who did not want to know who I was, but they would know me just for my race, and the language they wanted to learn. My mistrust schemas grew worst with each time I realised that their intentions were never to be a friend. My religious beliefs also obscured me from many - though I have met people who respected my difference, I also met who were the opposite spectrum of circumstances, it put in my head to stop acknowledging the God I knew not because I stopped believing, but because I was terrified that I would end up alone.


I also made the decision to cut off some people off my life.
It's funny because I grew up hearing from my father that we should always be kind to everyone, even the people we do not know, and also the people that push our buttons. But I have learnt that we all have got three tries for one penny and if it wanes your morality, we should no longer put ourselves in jeopardy not because we do not give people a chance but because it is no longer in our control, and it never will be within our control, that we should never compromise ourselves. I always bear in mind that we should always uphold a mutual respect with everyone, and there will always be a detriment when it is not a mutual thing, but with whatever stance to always respect anyone's opinions and individual perspectives, and never get a personal bias - to never, ever be judgemental.


Whenever it comes to beliefs, coming across people who are crass with their words will always be a part of believing - you'll find that people sometimes say the most presumptuous remarks. You will slowly also start to realise that even your closest friends will retaliate some of your ideas and decisions - I personally had to learn that these were my beliefs, that I did not want to respectfully impose on anyone. There was a time to speak up, but there were also a time to lower my ground and with that these were the kind of times that could help me find my own identity, the answers to my own questions that helped make me bold.


I have always struggled with social anxiety.
Today, I still struggle with anxiety, sometimes I face intermitten panic attacks and still get jittery around unfamiliar faces and blush more than normally deemed acceptable. Because as much as people make their presumptions of how I am all put together and full of composure, I could internally be an utter mess and nobody would know about it because I have unfortunately, and possibly fortunately mastered the art of the external zen. But in a place full of familiar faces, I am someone who's elated talking to people, having fun and making the people around me happy, being a little loud and crazy sometimes, it has helped me realise that even an introvert could be out of herself, especially when driven by what they love, that we should never be restrained by the entitlement of being an introvert or and extrovert.

I remember having my facet of my eighteen-year-old suicidal self who lost all generations of hope, someone who waned down to the delusional point as to think of nothing but nullifying myself off from the surface of earth, driving me to the darkest of my innate thoughts, dissociating me with my consciousness. I remember making a list of the methods to kill myself; without the existing remnants of hope that death was all that was left in me. I also recall the time I found hope on the day someone brought God back into my life and changed my darkness into light - and grasped onto the ones in my life that has given me so much in life, reminding me of giving me all that they could be just for me. Some people called it coincidence, and some called it luck, but I still believe today that hope was with my maker.




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And at the end of the day, people will constantly talk, source out every kind of prejudiced remarks to demean your life and you because that's the way the world works -- I have learnt to always listen, listen to the people with insolent judgements, also listen to the people with kind, succulent words. But only take in some, especially if they are the kind of things that will value add your life.

I apologise if you could have finished this line by now thinking everything was perfect bullocks, it is yours to make. I am only someone perfectly made up of nothing but flaws -  stitched together with good intentions. Ultimately, I am only here to be grateful about this wonderful life I hold, something that could not have been once. That perhaps, I would go back to doing the things I once loved and perhaps I would never again. I have learnt that being versatile to changes goes a long way. That I could have once given up the chance of carrying on; but we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal, what helped me carry on. I have made the decision to come this far with the hope that everyone also have;
that with whatever that has happened, or happens,


Always move forward.