My friends who knows me at heart would probably scoff hard about this because if truthfully saying, I am the kind of girl who cries a grand total of an unfortunate five times for good ones - all year round. I have never been the emotional kind though I wish I was more, I guess I've never allowed myself to entirely keep in touch with them within the long run because of circumstances that changed me though with that I also wish it has not.
I do not know what physical ability mean to everyone else but when I sprained my ankle from my years back of being Tchoukball, I remember not telling anyone with a tad of self-denial and probably a drop of defence because my abilities have always meant everything to me; it brought me to places and I relied on it for my almost identity and all of my security in everything I did and I did not want anyone to stop me from doing what I loved because I wanted to fight enough to trust myself. It would have changed many things if I gladly swallowed my pride, really. I have been doing everything I can just to be on that forty-two kilometres but I found myself limping home one good old day as an outcome of my unrelenting standards and me breaking backwards just to keep my chin up for weeks and I found myself last night begging and breaking before the man in white for something I knew I could not have again even if there were such thing called miracles. It is times like this when I realise how much I cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I make without much realisation.
You know the funny thing was that I watched a man fall backwards himself this afternoon.
I can't believe myself sometimes because I wanted to give my all and change something for the footing he lost and that one mistake he made but I ended up fumbling backwards myself - I could have sworn that my body was subjugated to complete obsolescence because I was trembling so hard my visuals were obscured and I could not even regain my composure enough to face anyone but myself so I withdrew back to a place nobody could see me enough to crumble there and then because I could not stop crying and I could have sworn I could not stop trembling at all and that all I could see in my head was the blood smothered across his face and all over his body that I could have done something to but I ran away instead. I can't tell if it was the blood that shook my nerves this much or the fall of my pride for the mistakes of someone I could not intervene because I swear I am usually able to get a good hold of myself but this was really…….. something else.
I was emotionally so exhausted today I just sat there in silence and I did nothing and asked for nothing but I was left alone with this stranger who approached me crassly to question my beliefs about my life choices to not eating animals and questioned other areas of my life. I usually have my set of answers but what an odd day because I asked myself the same question she asked me in my head just because I was that exhausted - it is either that or that today I have shut down and decided to be indifferent to other humanly challenges.
I was emotionally so exhausted today I just sat there in silence and I did nothing and asked for nothing but I was left alone with this stranger who approached me crassly to question my beliefs about my life choices to not eating animals and questioned other areas of my life. I usually have my set of answers but what an odd day because I asked myself the same question she asked me in my head just because I was that exhausted - it is either that or that today I have shut down and decided to be indifferent to other humanly challenges.
I am beginning to think that there might be something wrong with me recently because I have not been so sure of anything years after what happened five years ago with the worst of the good and every time I feel nothing at all and as much as I would like to elaborate this whole thing involves too much of emotions for me to tangibly interpret it and I know what much of his nonexistent reciprocation that I would be confidently be able to ensure though I certainly wish we had more time for each other just so that I could perhaps conclude of some sort and if you cannot already tell I do wish that someday my hopeless romantic side of myself will someday seize to function and fall short to true reality because oh lord god knows a redundant cheesy mess I made with this -
I have been trying my best with this and I've been docile for a while now but at this very portion of my life as much as I want to think of the most decorous, deliberate and any succulent thing to say to myself to make things better but there's really nothing else as equally as panache to compensate for the amount of things I wish to say that would be able to articulate enough of my thoughts more than how inept I feel right now like n--
Ah y'know what? God dammit.
No comments:
Post a Comment