(do watch it in HD)
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the
casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not
be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
[fruhn-teer, fron-; also, esp. British, fruhn-teer]
Frontier; it is the extreme limit of settled land beyond which lies wilderness.
Truth to be told, I have disappointed a lot of people this month. I have been determined about my own priorities, my dreams, they only magnify and sometimes they obscure me from the cardinal things in life that I could have supposedly made something of. Truth to be told, I've forgotten to appreciate the people around me whilst trying to appreciate everyone around me, it's a funny thing to say but at the same time, we lose the essence to our passion - I've neglected somehow one or another. I would make an open proclamation to express to the people in my life how much I care for each of you, how much everyone means to me if you ever read this, but words itself will never fulfil. I have forgotten to take a step back many times I've decided to give in to my fears of losing myself, and somehow I've forgotten to remember.
I would say that this trip has shown me what vulnerability is like; both physically and emotionally. I was looking through my diary just recently, and flipped into the day I couldn't make anything out of me. If I haven't told you so, I was down with a terrible viral infection in my body that reacted rather abruptly by the first few days I was there, and lasted till the very half month I came home. Still I gave my all, and it finally deteriorated down to a day that I could not get out of bed and could not lift a finger; basically I had to be hospitalized but I was battling with my mind not to reside to my body. I remember hating myself more than anything in the world because I was at my most inept when the people around me needed me most - and I hated myself thoroughly. You see, this is when I become most susceptible to my punitiveness and I tunnel backward into my spiralling mind, where it all seems like my fault. I remember that night where I cried so hard with my mind, body and my heart with solely the thoughts of the people there, and nothing else.
God really does wonders because I woke up the next day and felt absolutely nothing. I still had the food poisoning, but no puking, no nausea, no pain, no weakness, no suffering -
Zero.
.
.
.
There are times that I fall short to losing grip of my gratitude, the love by the people around me, and I constantly fall in and out of being good and fighting off the bad. In my mind, I fight the thoughts of my own voice and million other times, I fight between the fine lines of my own and the world's naysayers' mindless accusations, and it becomes one of the most dreadful thing ever. I question myself most days, whether or not my intentions are pure, whether I am capable of doing anything else. Truth to be told, there are always days I feel like I am absolutely incompetent, that someone else would do it better, a more outgoing person would be able to make a bigger impact. Trust me when I say that I've battled with thoughts like this throughout my journey because as for a taciturn like me, I have wished many times to be like the kind of guy you see on television shows where they're loud and humorous and terribly adventurous, prolly eat a giant scorpion here and there - but I have learnt to embrace my solitude as long as it is not taken as aloofness and as long as I am secured and confident that I've fought well against the negative.
There will never come a day that we will ever be fearless - with love, there will always be fear. But perfect love casts out fear, they say. When we love with our whole heart, we will never be able to be give perfect love, but we will be able to let love overcome, and fear will be nothing compared to what we have in the end. There are days when I feel like I will never be able to love someone again - betrayals, lost, pain, times when I feel that everyone in the world will just forget who I actually am.
It is funny, because I have learnt that these are the dog days that darkness exists to make light truly count - these are the days that matters the most and these are the days that will realise what you want for yourself.
During this time, nothing much mattered to me except the hearts of the people there, and I am utterly grateful inside out for the disciples who were there for me during this month and opened up their love for me without any condition, because whilst there were inevitable signs of underlying elements of darkness from the aftermath of everything that happened in that country, there were just overflowing abundant amount of joy and love, filled with much purity and humility - it's just that everyone seemed so fulfilled. Satisfied. I wanted exactly what they had and so I just kept chasing and being determined to grasp after the good things I witnessed — and learnt from them. I saw through the goodness and saw through the light, beyond everything else and they all seem to naturally come together to create the most beautiful thing I've ever seen; the frontier of it all.
And like always I remind myself, that I am after all only a wayfaring stranger with a hope that good still exists in whatever remnants out of what it has left for all of us to make wonders of. This world is not my home, I am just passing through - I am constantly made out of flaws, but I keep asking, I keep trying, I keep doing things in hope that though I am left with nothing much, I still give my best, my all. I'm never good with words - but it in courtesy of my honesty, I try to say it all, or nothing at all.
I'm a drop in the ocean as panache or else, cliche like everyone else will say, I'm not anyone to begin with and never will be. I'm only one who wants to set her heart right, and for whatever reason, with the hope that with whatever remnants of hope that still exists, that I share that hope for myself, for everyone else, and for the people who have been fighting the good fight. I always believe that good will always come from the bad, whatever insecurities, flaws, incompetency, or any form of despondency. We just keep chasing after the good things - so if there's anyone out there who feels anything about tonight, fight.
Fight against the dying of the light.
Always.
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