"be still"

I am back to the familiar, the safe and the sound.

Where the room smells of some of my oldest books, behind the kitchen smells of wood and cooked food, the dust at the back of my bedroom is still next to my unwavering haven, I walk back into where it all lays. Sentiments, the remnants of my very own.

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Truth to be told I am terrified, with the fact that I will be putting behind all of these things and walking out this place and to never feel this same feeling of safe haven in the longest time -- I truly am afraid. What would have made me thought that there was nothing much that scared me and who am I actually kidding because I have never been this much apprehensiveness from leaving something.

I've grown up as a child to adapt abruptly, moving on from phases to different phases without a given time to grief of any sort and that is unfortunately how I have taught myself to catch up to the speed of life. However this trip has taught me to be in the waiting - to be okay with dwelling in the silence, the comfort, and the still, whilst I am in the process of suffering or in pain; that I do not always have to be always fighting to be in total control of things I can no longer. I thought of so many reasons not to go anywhere, to stay where I felt most comforted, and familiar, and for so many other reasons I could not stop blaming myself for the things, because each situation that knew a tad of me would know that I would be slightly shaken and broken of than usual, I would instead be put in a different situation where I would hurt less emotionally because time had its knowledge of bringing me exactly somewhere in a place where I needed the time and space to grief through over the pain of loss and that my heart was still heavier - the beauty of time and its place albeit each accumulation they weigh;





But placed His right hand right where it hurt the most.

Each time we had a painstaking separation and supposed goodbye, with the realisation that I have been missing out every moment of connection when I found myself sound asleep in the silence of the morning, waking up to the glory of the sun seeping through the window pane and during a time to cry and a time to share gratitude and our stories, I found myself puking contents out of my guts about ten times within a day and having the traveller's diarrhoea; food poisoning has become nothing new with each time I travel -- as much as this has become such a joke within my friends and I, it is the very time I feel the most inept and the most maladroit and it is the time that emotionally deteriorates me the most. It is the period where I feel utmost vulnerable -because I fear not being in complete control. On a side note, this was the realization that I someday, would wanna find someone secure and serene - who can hold me at the times I feel the need to be comforted to dissipate all of my pride of independence. These are the minor times I realise that I do need someone to stay, and to hold.

'Twas I found myself suppressed with all sorts of sudden emotions along with all these of what terrible things I have done and for the many things I could have done better as a person, or a human - as I pack up my things everything has become so real to me, it has donned on my how much everything here mean to be and how everything has its own meaning to me. I will miss the people here, I will miss how a single touch from my mother can change my entire day, I fret for the coming days without being able to see these things again, that I am actually not okay with moving on from the things that matter most to me deep down in my heart no matter how many times I tell myself that I am capable enough to be less indignant and more indifferent to embrace the new, that I actually feel the crippling, overwhelming emotions slowly creeping through my perspective and the effects of what it actually does to me deep within, daunting, only subtle with tangible avoidance.

Truth to be told, I lost someone close to my heart in my family a day before I went on this trip. It is funny what timing does to all of us, it is truly quite a sense of humor, I cannot even begin to explain what it did to me, for I myself cannot comprehend the amount of abruptness, the amount of frustration and devastation I felt all at once all on my own in my head. Our maker truly has quite the sense of humour and his ways because for awhile in quite the longest time, I finally felt okay with being in waiting in the silence. For healing through the pain and grief and brought into the cradled midst of comfort, within the great depth of loss. It is okay to be in the hiding, to be in a search to find the quiet strength in yourself, to take time to accept the downfall and process each moment, to be in the dwelling of the sentimental past and the heartache, the deterioration of our health and the effects of aging - none of these will be be our fault if we keeping looking upward --

For everyone has felt deep pain. 

And for we will soon, merely move forward to the greater things from here onward -