hannah jang

"SILENT CORDIALITY"

the quietness in distance 
Taken by my beautiful boy, Olivius Jones





It is only January and boy, this has prolly been the most boisterous week of my good ol' life -


Trying to grip the good old tenacious life of my struggling twenty-two year old body because it has been quite the wreck; and this has been the worst state my body has ever been after that month-long viral infection, it has made quite the subsequently consequential impact to my shrinking body. My mind has been on its attempt to grasp the reality of my drifting emotions - but I myself have a difficult time letting go of things that once meant greatly. In short, I keep doubting my decisions if they were meant out of a frivolous impulse and I keep asking myself time and time again why I made the choice to chose this complex path as opposed to an already comfortable, planned out, grounded and capable life: pulled away by what was once, constant, and full of life, all in the spectrum and the safety within my prime.


I am wasting away outwardly - but I know am being renewed internally day by day as the days go by waiting, praying and suffering - for being in the waiting is the most painful part of everything in between. I find it quite the struggle not being able to be in control, and for letting things be. For letting things shift and mould to nothing I have expected things to kinda be to be but in fact be exactly what-not.

I found myself having nightmares once again. I still cannot put a finger to what these statues in my visuals are but they cripple me down to ends meet, and I wake up absolutely terrified because there are a few things that truly smite me down on the spot which are possibly minute to the world but me: statues being one of them. I still, cannot decipher why. I am honestly speaking, so effete - I am weary, I am afraid, empty; I am starting to feel like I am fighting this alone, and I feel calloused. I do not know what I am supposed to do, where to go from here and now, but I am certainly on my way somewhere. For as long as we hold on to what's good, for in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all because who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it;

with great patience. 

( 8 : 24 )

with love,

jangthedeer