"sleep rain"

35mm old rainy stills 

from my hike to Seorak-san

I can't believe it is actually october, I couldn't sleep all night. I can't believe I'm actually finally settled down and still; after months of slight evasion and perhaps a little, perplexing I suppose. Let's just say I have been fluctuating way too much within my doubts and obsolete assurance and my perpetual search for evidences that will never exist -- and after ten months of wallowing in the same old pool of uncertainty, I am still not grounded with a decision of whether or not I am okay with where I am at. At least, for now.

I found myself breathing through my eyes in the terror of the night. When you're numb to too many things at once you forget how afraid you have become - I hope I will someday find the courage to come to terms, and that I find acceptance and comfort. I hope I find the courage to tell you that I am honestly terrified of sleeping through the night; for I know I will wake up to still know that there will not be such a thing as acceptance, with this kind, and that truth to be told, perhaps to come to terms that I am really not meant.

I fear the past but I am terrified of the future - for I do not know what furthermore myself is capable of doing. One thing I have learnt from this transition for how much I hold onto the things that are already part of me, the things meant to be held onto will forget what was once lost. 

I hope soon. 

To live in the moment.

I hope for peace.