Not sure how long and how many times it will take for one to truly break even; but this has prolly been the most depressing time of my life -- swimming one helluva shitpool lately, but I am still trying. You know, I've felt so much at one I actually forgot how to tell people how I feel anymore - I lost much touch of my own after the perpetual times people have told me that I am obsolete of any feelings, it is especially the kindaf' times I finally find myself a tad better enough to tell someone that this is what I feel.
I hope nobody actually reads this page anymore because I am overwhelmed with so much feelings I cannot even begin to explain how much good it kills in me; that is there is any left well goddamn to these months of the great subjugation for the longest time. I don't exactly know what everyone else sort of hope for but for me I have always hoped to find that person who would understand for once, but in my case these people that I wrongfully trust make the gravest twists to my protocols as always and I keep telling myself I am well helluva unfortunate and despondent little prune shrivelled without hope and that I am sad to say I am depressed, even though it is the kind of thing you know you do not want to associate yourself with the entire half-assed emo ardor but frankly speaking what am I supposed to tell myself anymore I really don't know. I just happen to always have these discernment predicaments that I one day wish to master or perhaps it is more of an luck issue because I just keep trusting the worse in people and I have been trapped in this vicious cycle of trying to find some sort of a hope that some fine day someone can help me pinpoint the problems of why I can be this naive. I also cannot seem to at all, express my high propelling emotions that are up fronting my own phase or be in touch with my feelings - I mean after all, all I really needed was to avoid being apathetic when I inevitably am but I guess I have become my own decision made out of mistakes and this is how far I have come to be one with myself in the end and all I can really say that I can go on for words and words in an attempt to put together the shitlottaf' things I am trying to get out of my suppressed consciousness and my depressed kind of mess but still cannot believe I am back at the common again at the very end of the day. I guess I already predicted the atrocities of what being alone and how being fine with my own mind brings me to but I think what was out of all the most goddamn delusional is the fact that for a moment I thought I was doing well with life finally and that I finally settled to regaining composure - I am sorry I have just been really pathetic with what I do and I don't know what I can do with all these mistakes I make that has vehemently downgraded my conscienceless and I fail to reach out again. Prolly never will.
perhaps maybe I gave up trying.
thank you.
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