hannah jang

I spent months in delusion - but I've finally sat myself down.

I am glad I made certain decisions in my life even though I've counted the preconceived possibilities of the things that have been taught to never last; the consequences becoming your teacher, they say that the deception of the things that are seen are real - they are known to never last. I honestly do not deserve this good life - I am at a place where I have always yearned to be for now and I am thoroughly grateful. I have spent years refraining myself from these things that are seen - I have spent my entire adolescence trying to subjugate every sort of temptation; at the end of the day it is only for the mere rationalisation and their ways to protect you from the world. That's what they think - for they never really think about how you feel about the world, for they had the chance with the world, a taste of betrayal; a touch of the waters, but they never really ask you how you feel about the world. They never really think of it as a way to see that behind the worst, perhaps there is actually the good, that through the darkness, you find light. Of that perhaps, what I really want in life is to embrace through the process of experimenting and failures of life to find what I truly want for myself and I do not hope onto the preconceived judgements that are bound to come into my life, for I am not exactly surprised at third partied judgements of how I became the 'she' that fell away. My great appreciation is to the ones who actually has the audacity to ask me why, as it ludicrous as it seems for their concurrence of my many reasons are coherent. I look up to the ones who wants to know the reason and people who comprehend the idea that everyone has their own timing to things.

You know - I have spent my entire life in submission to my vehement fear. It is funny to think that the person I fear most could actually be myself because of my punitive thoughts towards my past mistakes. However, I told myself that for once in my life, I actually do want to make mistakes; I do want to experience life and to fall in and out of love despite the fact that things will always end up falling hard and to stop giving into my own fears. After all, I also do want to share with the people I love, about this same person that stood by me during my times of struggles and when I felt like I was fighting this alone, and when I felt like I was drawing back into my secluded world. It is funny that people I have depended on have turned their backs on me in this period, and it also seems like for some reasons I have found a habitual necessity to remove myself entirely out of situations whenever I feel taken aback by certain reactions and he has been someone to always snap me out of it with supporting everything that I do, and to just be myself. To think that someone could embrace me 'just being myself' - for through whatever phase we both might be in, it will always be something I will remember for life. Twenty five; for I am a tad too late for the outrageous rebellion and youth but truth to be told my life has been spent in suppression - suppression - anyone who have kept up would by now signify the epitome of my life as it is. The fear of making any sort of mistake, and in having to be the perfect person for everyone who's watching my life, perhaps I do know that I might end up somewhere I do not wish to be - that everyone has warned that I could be - that I myself know I would not want to be when I am actually there; but perhaps it might be just a part and process of life that some of us need to be. I do want to stop being unrealistic about things, and I do want to find acceptance within myself enough to come close to just being comfortable in myself; with pure deciding factors that solely depends on my own needs, to do things without fearing failure, to find acceptance that this world is not as great as it seems and also that I am not as great of a person myself but I shouldn't stoop down to the greatness of my insecurities - that I know I will find myself coming round to chase what is unseen and has been given to be eternally when I have found myself rock bottom and surging across my woes of uncertainty but for now, taking heart and courage for once -  It is a cruel thing that the best things will soon become the worst; but I do wish to take this time to find myself in this transition, and I am in a deemed place exactly where I need to be. At least I have come to terms with myself to know for myself that it is true and that I no longer need to be justified by another.

For whatever that has placed this in its timing, and whatever that fails - there is something unseen I hope onto. I will always be heartfully grateful for time, for this. If so, I have only made the best mistake with this given life because one told me to be brave and perhaps for once in my life I made a decision against the world - I know for once I actually feel brave enough to say that I am.

♡