The moment I put down Catcher in the Rye which is now one of my fave books, I've probably never felt like a book could be so much of a quintessence of my life -- from my thoughts to my inner morbidity and my dark humor that I'll never get to share with anyone -
I've been in a state where I don't even know I want for myself anymore, because I've been living the life of expectations and subjugation, succumbing to what people wanted out of me. Ever since I came back from Alaska, I was pretty much internally filled with exhilaration to tell the world about the things I've leant about God, about myself, the extend I pushed myself beyond than I thought I ever could, i was well prepared.
Looking back it's been crazy to watch myself take up things that I never thought I would just for a trip that nobody wanted to go; teaching classes and classes of children whom drove me half nuts during my assessment period, pulling through weeks at a law firm where I thoroughly disdained because of the hierarchy system that disparaged and pushed around, there prolly wasn't a day I didn't cry, selling postcards and doing commission works, and against every tinge of exhaustion, and the fact that everyone told me not to go because the itinerary for the mission trip was basically:
1. morning to night of construction work
2. Planning of camp for low-income children
3. No shower for two weeks
Unfortunately, for the first two weeks I hardly even got to see the majestic world outside the camp, it all felt like hunger games in a matter of fact - but it was worth every stretch of my convictions. At this point I would much say that the entire process of saving up for the trip, and coming back from the trip, it was indeed one hell of a struggle, But even with all the apprehension I just knew that there was something about this trip, that would change my life around. The first thing I heard from certain people about my trip when I came back was pretty nasty, people assumed that my intentions were out of my frivolous ambitions and entirely out the act of self-gratifying and glorifying prophesy I wanted to fulfil. I felt like I was leaning my back against a crumbling wall -- Because it is easier for people to talk about you, but when people start to misunderstand your intentions it is a terrifying process.
Looking back it's been crazy to watch myself take up things that I never thought I would just for a trip that nobody wanted to go; teaching classes and classes of children whom drove me half nuts during my assessment period, pulling through weeks at a law firm where I thoroughly disdained because of the hierarchy system that disparaged and pushed around, there prolly wasn't a day I didn't cry, selling postcards and doing commission works, and against every tinge of exhaustion, and the fact that everyone told me not to go because the itinerary for the mission trip was basically:
1. morning to night of construction work
2. Planning of camp for low-income children
3. No shower for two weeks
Unfortunately, for the first two weeks I hardly even got to see the majestic world outside the camp, it all felt like hunger games in a matter of fact - but it was worth every stretch of my convictions. At this point I would much say that the entire process of saving up for the trip, and coming back from the trip, it was indeed one hell of a struggle, But even with all the apprehension I just knew that there was something about this trip, that would change my life around. The first thing I heard from certain people about my trip when I came back was pretty nasty, people assumed that my intentions were out of my frivolous ambitions and entirely out the act of self-gratifying and glorifying prophesy I wanted to fulfil. I felt like I was leaning my back against a crumbling wall -- Because it is easier for people to talk about you, but when people start to misunderstand your intentions it is a terrifying process.
In all honesty, nothing feels worst than knowing that the people you thought knew you most, doesn't. they usually scoff it off and say it's just a phase. In honest fact, it is a phase. But it's also the reoccurrence that become a terrible process especially when you've fluctuated hard to get out of the phase but you retract and fall back into it. People get tired of your lack of gratitude towards the life we should uphold - especially when you've found the truth and the light.
I guess I never really allowed myself to heal. Nobody really allowed me to, I expected a lot out of my Punitiveness and people expected for me to give -- and I did but when things that were on your mind transfuses into dead weight more than eradication, over the years it becomes a repercussion. When you've experienced what it's like to be in that phase, you will apprehend it when it's coming because of the abrupt change in behaviors and perception. I never really wanted to hurt anyone, really. But sometimes I can't feel anything and it becomes so real. There will be literally nothing I'd think of. The only way you realize there's something wrong with you, Is when start crying and crying, but you literally think of nothing.
But this is when I found myself at the bottom, knowing that I could have died; but instead of feeling lost and despondent, I started to feel power that wasn't of mine -
And he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in your weakness. Therefore, most gladly I will boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12 : 9-10
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